I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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