Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My vagina just recognized that song.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize