Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
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What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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