i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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