Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
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Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
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I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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