I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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