Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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