how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
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Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
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She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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