It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
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I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
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He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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