I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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