WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
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You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We have started to decorate penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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