I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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