You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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