She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize