i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
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SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
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dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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