He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
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I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
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I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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