You're my little dorito
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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