my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
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Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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