Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize