i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
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We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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