I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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