my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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