the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
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Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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