We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
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He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
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Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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