I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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