I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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