I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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