I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
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I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Houston, we have a blender
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i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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