saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
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My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
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Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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