Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
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Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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