I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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