I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
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He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
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he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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