I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
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I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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