My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
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I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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