jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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