i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
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I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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