I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
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Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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