I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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You made out with two different species that night
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
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Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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