sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
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You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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