Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
