If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
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i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
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I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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