I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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