If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize