I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
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Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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