he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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