puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
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the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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