does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i've created a new STD.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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