woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
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That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
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I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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