he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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