K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
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I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
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Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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