You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
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It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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